Before we get into the adventures of our third day in Paris, I just have to say that while Europeans were nice enough to let two fashion-impaired Americans stroll their streets unmolested, this particular fashion-impaired American laments what seemed to be the Parisian male uniform: skinny jeans or slacks, and that haircut where the sides are buzzed while a puff atop the head is slicked into a formidable sort of helmet with weapons-grade hair gel.
Skinny jeans are a tragedy the whole world round, especially to a gay man such as myself because of their sorrowful effect on the male physique. You can have the roundest, plumpest porn-star badonkadonk bouncing along behind you wherever you go, but skinny jeans immediately render you as assless as a Thai ladyboy. It just seems like such a waste. And then there is also the fact that skinny pants make the wearer look frail and gaunt, with little stick-thin legs that look as though they'd shatter if some person with ill intentions were to flick them. There were hundreds, perhaps thousands, of men who were quite attractive strolling the streets of Paris, but due to the effect of the skinny jeans epidemic there was nothing to look at below the waist.
I felt cheated.
Now, on with the tour!
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Our day began at the Palace of Versailles. I freely admit that the only reason I wanted to go see it was because the palace once served as a level in a
Castlevania game.
An inner reservoir of immaturity wants to say that he's making that face not because he's being sat upon, but rather because he's being sat upon
and the fact that last night was "Chili 'n' Cabbage Night" in the palace cafeteria.
Depending upon which character you choose to play as in the Castlevania game, you get to fight on the roof of the palace. You'll be fighting harpies dropping gremlins as you make your way past this clock.
The royal chapel also features into the game. Giant reptilian eyes that shoot laser beams are crawling up and down the walls.
The goat-riding monkey is appalled.
Appalled!
Do you fight your way down the Hall of Mirrors?
Of course you fight your way down the Hall of Mirrors. And while the chandeliers are plummeting down, I might add.
I don't know why there is a statue at Versailles of a Person of Wal-Mart, but there is.
The Versailles gardens feature heavily into
Castlevania: Bloodlines. They're fraught with giant mutant roses, weird insect creatures wielding deadly scythes, and an extremely irate giant moth disguised as Marie Antoinette.
In the game, the water in this fountain turns to blood, and indestructible blood skeletons start popping out of it.
Meanwhile, back in Paris itself, a building with phantoms of a different sort awaited us...
Perhaps the most famous chandelier in the world.
The Printemps department store which, along with nearby Galeries Lafayette, is one of the vectors of the skinny jeans plague afflicting Paris. However, I'm willing to forgive it because when we ducked inside, the smell reminded me of my mother. The smell of department stores; that aroma of clean new cloth, fresh leather, and perfume, reminds me of the store where my mother worked for more than twenty years before she went blind from diabetes.
Basilique du Sacré-Cœur, atop Montmartre:
As the highest point in the city of Paris, Montmartre affords magnificent views.
Fun fact: One of the characters in the video game
Shadow Hearts: Covenant lives in Montmartre, and the game features this staircase.
Even more awaits! There was another day in Paris, plus the journey back to London and Edinburgh.
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