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  #1  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 10:14 PM
Vicelord John Vicelord John is offline
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Southwest Forum Joke Thread

This place needs some lightening up and some good humor. Post your jokes and keep em' goin'

Q: How did the gingerbread man make his bed?
A: With Cookie Sheets!

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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite!

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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  #2  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 10:19 PM
Buckeye Native 001 Buckeye Native 001 is offline
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My girlfriend called me a pedophile and I said "Whoa, that's a big word for a 12-year-old"
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  #3  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:00 PM
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I already posted my joke in the skybar joke thread.
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  #4  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:01 PM
CANUC CANUC is offline
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A man is at bar drinking heavily. The bartender warns him of a rapist that frequents the bar and to be careful and not get too drunk. Sure enough the guy passes out only to wake as the rapist is placing him in a wheel barrel, the guys jumps up yells “Hey, hey I’m awake, I’m awake, let me go!” The rapist lets the guy go but with a warning “If you fall asleep again, your ass is mine!” Sure enough the guy now startled asks for another drink to calm his nerves. After a few more never calming shots he falls asleep again. He soon wakes up to find himself in the wheel barrel again and yells “I’m awake, I’m awake, let me go!” to which the rapist replies “Calm down, I’m already bringing you back.”
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“Yeah, had it in my storage place from when I lived in Phoenix, well I lived in Mesa but when you say Mesa people don’t know what Mesa is…eh, it, it, it’s Phoenix…yeah I lived in Phoenix.”
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  #5  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:06 PM
AZRAM AZRAM is offline
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Naughty Bob



Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,'Hi Bobby! Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
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  #6  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:21 PM
Tranquility Tranquility is offline
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*don't read if your easily offended*

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "I have cancer"

A blonde walked into a bar. You'd of thought she'd seen it first

What's the difference between a pedophile and acne?
One waits until you're thirteen to come on your face.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night.
The boy says "I'm scared!" and the pedophile says
"You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own!"

What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

What's the difference between jews and boyscouts?
Boyscouts come back from their camps

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free pork
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  #7  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:32 PM
CANUC CANUC is offline
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Ok, just one more, don't read if easily offended.

Superman is bored and decides he wants a night out on the town.

Swoosh he takes off flying.

First he stops by Batman’s cave “Hey Batty, wanna hang out tonight?” Batman replies “Sorry can’t the Jokers up to his old tricks again I gotta go stop him, maybe some other night”.

So, swoosh, Superman takes off flying.

Next he stops by Aqua man’s lair and asks “Hey fish boy wanna go out and pick up on some mermaids?” Aqua man replies “Sorry can’t, there’s a huge company dumping toxic waste into the ocean that I need to take care of, maybe some other time.”

So, swoosh, Superman takes off flying.

Now really bored and running out of options he begins using his X-ray vision to see what’s doing around town. He looks into one home and sees a beautiful, hot chick, spread eagle on her bed just moaning and grinding. Puzzled he flies in for a closer look and sure enough she’s naked, legs spread wide open, eyes rolled up into her head. So he decides he’s going to go for it. Using his super speed he flies into the window, climbs on top and bang, bang, bang, bang, swoosh, flies right back out the window! The lady perplexed by what just happened looks around and asks out loud “What hell was that?” Invisible Man replies “I don’t know but I felt something in my ass!”
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“Yeah, had it in my storage place from when I lived in Phoenix, well I lived in Mesa but when you say Mesa people don’t know what Mesa is…eh, it, it, it’s Phoenix…yeah I lived in Phoenix.”
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  #8  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:45 PM
Vicelord John Vicelord John is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PHX31 View Post
I already posted my joke in the skybar joke thread.
well fucking good for you.

If you can't contribute, then go away.
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  #9  
Old Posted May 28, 2009, 11:49 PM
Vicelord John Vicelord John is offline
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Originally Posted by Tranquility View Post
What's the difference between jews and boyscouts?
Boyscouts come back from their camps

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free pork
holy crap i love a good jew joke and you came through with two of them!

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  #10  
Old Posted May 29, 2009, 8:32 AM
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PHX31 PHX31 is offline
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OK, I'm bored so I'll rehash this joke here.... my favorite joke (that I can remember):

Why can't Helen Keller ride a bike?



Because she's dead.



(it works on so many levels.)
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  #11  
Old Posted May 29, 2009, 3:48 PM
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TAZ4ate0 TAZ4ate0 is offline
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What do you call three blondes in a freezer?

- Frosted flakes -
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  #12  
Old Posted May 29, 2009, 4:14 PM
Luke Skyscraper Luke Skyscraper is offline
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A blind guy stumbles into a lumber mill in Oregon asking for a job. The perplexed manager asks him what could a blind person possibly do in a dangerous mill- except get himself killed.
The blind man replies he can identify and grade any type of wood merely by smelling it, his heightened sense of smell due to the fact he is blind. He can even tell how long the piece of wood is just by smelling it. The curious manager agrees to give him a test in his office.
First, a 2x8 pine stud is placed under the mans nose. He correctly identifies it as medium grade pine, 8 feet long.
The manager assumes just a lucky guess. He then presents a 6 foot piece of oak flooring material under the mans nose. Again, the man correctly identifies the wood, grade, and length. Is that the best you can do, laughes the blind guy?
Concerned that he will be laughed out of the mill if he hires the blind guy, he tries to trip him up. He quietly calls in his secretary and motions for her to jump up on his desk and hike up her skirt. He tell the guy if he can identify this last piece of wood, he can have the job.
A big grin comes over the mans face as soon as he takes a whiff.
Shit house door from a Tuna boat, 5 feet 6 inches tall!
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  #13  
Old Posted May 29, 2009, 8:06 PM
AZRAM AZRAM is offline
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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  #14  
Old Posted May 29, 2009, 8:47 PM
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Even if you are 1 in a million, there are still 8,000 people just like you...
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  #15  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 3:43 AM
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A baptist, a priest, and a rabbi are good friends. They were so good at there jobs they were growing bored of converting people. They decide they want a challenge so they decide they will try to convert a bear. The preacher goes first and returns to his friends somewhat battered and bruised.
"What happened" they ask.
"Well at first he was pretty mean. I thought if I could just baptize him he'd calm down. So I got him near a river and pushed him under and he came up as gentle as a lamb and we sat there and prayed together by that river.
The priest was next and he also returned bloodied and bruised.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"Well he was mean as a snake and he beat me up pretty good. When he raised up with a mighty roar I threw the bread and the wine into his mouth. He became gentle as a lamb and we prayed to the holy mother there in the woods.
Finally the rabbi set out, determined not to be outdone by his friends. A few days later however, they heard he was in the hospital. They arrived to find him clinging to life he was so badly injured.
"What happened" they asked.
Groaning through the pain he replied, "In hindsight I shouldn't have started with circumcision."
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  #16  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 8:32 AM
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HooverDam HooverDam is offline
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Im usually not a fan of typical jokey jokes, so I don't have any memorized to share with ya'll, but if you'd like to see me telling jokes you can watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp2Lzk1YRJo

EDIT: Warning, its pretty 'blue', so don't click if thats not your thing.
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  #17  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 3:19 PM
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Lol, 'splash zone'....
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  #18  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 3:51 PM
Vicelord John Vicelord John is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HooverDam View Post
Im usually not a fan of typical jokey jokes, so I don't have any memorized to share with ya'll, but if you'd like to see me telling jokes you can watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp2Lzk1YRJo

EDIT: Warning, its pretty 'blue', so don't click if thats not your thing.
some of those jokes were funny. You're offensive, and I think everyone in this room knows I like offensive. Though, i prefer a more "i dont care if you think I'm funny" type of delivery as opposed to your "i'm funny, laugh at me" style. Not that one is funnier than the other, I just prefer the nonchalant style of ron white vs. the overbearing look at me attitude of dane cook.
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  #19  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 4:02 PM
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HooverDam HooverDam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicelord John View Post
some of those jokes were funny. You're offensive, and I think everyone in this room knows I like offensive. Though, i prefer a more "i dont care if you think I'm funny" type of delivery as opposed to your "i'm funny, laugh at me" style. Not that one is funnier than the other, I just prefer the nonchalant style of ron white vs. the overbearing look at me attitude of dane cook.
Im not a fan of either of those guys myself but comedy is a highly subjective art form (if its an art at all). I haven't been at it all that long, I like my material, but don't care for my deliver, the pacing is way too damned fast (a byproduct of trying to cram as much as I can into the time they give me) and I smirk too much. I prefer a more deadpan style myself like Dmitri Martin, Zach Galifanikis, Mitch Heburg, Steven Wright, etc. but thats not really how my personality is, so faking it just 'cause I like those guys seems silly. I guess a shorter way of saying that would be to say, Im still finding my 'voice' to be sure.
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  #20  
Old Posted May 30, 2009, 4:45 PM
Vicelord John Vicelord John is offline
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well let me know next time you're performing. I'll come see ya'.

and what would a phoenix joke thread be without...

You Know You're In Phoenix When...


You buy salsa by the gallon.
Your Christmas decorations includes a half a yard of sand and l00 paper bags.
You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".
You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
People break out coats when temperature drops below 70.
The pool can be warmer than you are.
Most homes have more firearms than people.
Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"
People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
The AC Service Man is on your list of best friends.
Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.
You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo".
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