Clams with really big parts
The case against Pender Island, British Columbia
For years, I'd heard rumors that the freedom-hating citizens of Pender Island had launched a psychological warfare program against us. The geoducks were my first piece of proof. Geoducks are a type of clam that is easily identified by it's large syphon. While I've always felt a bit inadequate around geoducks, I've noticed that the Pender Island variety was particularly obscene. Moreover, they've caused me to have strange, unnatural thoughts. These thoughts grab hold of my mind forcing me to commit certain private sinful acts. Someday, I will sit down with Jesus to review my life, and these acts will be the source of many seconds of embarrassing silence. I'm sure that Hell will be something like those few moments.
Anyway, these clam's syphons are unnatural -- even for geoducks. They must be the result of some kind of genetic engineering project. But why? Sure, they cause me to spill some of my essence, but that only weakens me momentarily. Within hours, my seed regenerates itself. There must be more to it.
The answer came to me one day when I went to Pikes Place Market with my wife and sister-in-law, Susan. As we walked past a stack of iced geoducks, Susan whispered something in my wife's ear, and they giggled. I recognized that giggle. I've heard it a thousand times. They were making fun of my little soldier. The geoducks gave them a model of something no man can achieve. These freak clams are turning men into little more than a cheap joke. The islanders are using them to undermine the authority of the American male, thus weakening our great nation. It's a new kind of subtle warfare, a type of insidious terrorism that can bring down a nation without a shot being fired.
Facts about Pender Island, BC
Many of their official documents are written in French.
It is part of a province named for two foreign countries.
Their autocratic mayor, Ian McNeely, is probably French.
Like the Arabs, they measure distance in kilometers rather than miles.
They trade with Cuba.
They celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
They send children to a special childrens prison
They play a sport called "curling" with brooms and teakettles. It's a metaphor for their goal of feminizing the world.
They eat Christian babies on a holiday they call "Boxing Day."
Pender Island is actually two islands. They think they're fooling us.